Today we got yet another spam at the old Onion Bag which made me wonder, is soccer the loneliest sport in the USA? I mean, it seams every other week we get an offer for the latest and greatest contraption that allows you to kick a ball, dribble, or practice throw-ins... BY YOURSELF. I say 'in the USA' only because I've yet to run into anything similar in any of the foreign countries I have visited on business. That doesn't mean they don't sell it there, I'm sure they do. This is America after all and we'll find a way to get these products sold all around the world. Remember, we invented the genius concept of selling you stuff you don't really need!
Surely you've seen the infomercials on your favorite soccer TV channel. Tie a rope around your kids waist, and have him go kick the ball around by himself in the backyard while the rest of his playmates throw a football or baseball around. What's the matter Timmy? No one around to kick the ball back to you? Don't worry little fella, through the wonder of modern science we've invented an elastic rope that will make you forget how unpopular you are. Are you kidding me? What ever happened to a nondescript wall somewhere? Somehow I highly doubt the Cristiano Ronaldo's of the world ran around as a kid with a ball tied around their waists. Notice the caliber of soccer "stars" they get on those commercials. Kenny Cooper anyone?
The endless amount of new gimmicks out there sold under the guise of improving your soccer ball kicking skills is astounding. My favorite is the Soccer Wave, not sold at the Onion Bag in case you were wondering. Here's the concept, your kid doesn't have a friend or brother to kick the ball around with, but luckily for just $189.99... ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-NINE DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE F'ING CENTS....he or she can kick a ball against a giant plastic curve that returns the ball. It's beyond words at this point. The only interest I have in seeing one of these in action is seeing the idiot kid who catches a ball unexpectedly in the face.
The new one on the boob tube is a small five sided basket that you kick the ball against and it bounces back at you. It slices and dices, and when you are completely bored with kicking a ball against the side of an oversized waste paper basket, you can turn it on it's side and it becomes a soccer goal! Genius! I bet they got this idea from those resourceful ghetto children who turn wire garbage cans on their side to use as soccer goals. Hell, those ghetto children might even work in the factories that put together these pieces of crap!
Today's spam though was from yet another company selling you a ball on a string. Quoting their email...
The NEW Jimmy Ball, Technique Training Ball is a sure success for your Retail Soccer Store. With a store POP display featuruing U.S. Star Kenny Cooper you are guaranteed to move product.
Did you read that? Guaranteed to move product! The innovation here is that you don't necessarily need to tie it around your waist, you an also make a noose out of it! Looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen if you ask me.
What's most depressing is that someone somewhere in America actually buys these crappy products. I can honestly say though, at The Onion Bag, we have never had a request for one of these items. What's next? Trying to sell us helmets for soccer? Woops....
